


Worst First Date Ever

by Petalene



Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Awkward Date, GKM Fill, M/M, Porn, Rocky Horror Picture Show References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 11:40:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7313830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petalene/pseuds/Petalene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the first episode of The New Love Connection with same sex couples. Host Cooper Anderson wants everything to go smoothly so he talks his brother Blaine into being a contestant. Cooper really should have remembered that Blaine is bad at romance and dating and he has the worst luck. Can Blaine and his date, Kurt, make a love connection despite everything that goes wrong? AU where Blaine and Kurd didn't meet in high school. Humor and smut and with just enough angst to keep things interesting. Fill for the GKM.</p><p>This story contains gay sex, watching porn, and Rocky Horror references on a super awkward first date.</p><p>I don't own Glee. If I did, Cooper would have been on the show a lot more and deffinately at the Klaine wedding. I don't own Love Connection. If you recognize something from somewhere else, then I don't own that either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worst First Date Ever

"Welcome to The New Love Connection. I'm your host Cooper Anderson." Cooper smiled, his teeth gleaming in the stage lights as he waved at the studio audience. He paused, allowing a moment for the cameras to get the perfect shot - Cooper looking suave with perfectly styled dark hair and an impeccable gray suit.

Everyone cheered and Blaine snorted softly, thankful for the heavy curtain that prevented the studio audience and cameras from hearing it. He found it endlessly amusing that his brother, who never could make a relationship last for more than a few months, now hosted a TV show dedicated to helping people find love.

With a glance down, Blaine quickly confirmed that he looked presentable, the dark slacks wrinkle-free, his shirt tucked in, and his music notes tie hung correctly. He resisted the urge to fuss with his hair, afraid his hand would stick to the gallon of gel the hair and makeup people had used to get the curls under control.

Cooper sat on the red couch with pink heart shaped pillows and faced the camera. “We are going to meet two singles looking for love. A few weeks ago, our two contestants viewed three introduction videos and they each selected one person to get to know better. Today, we get to hear all the intimate details of their first dates. And with a little luck, we’re going to make a love connection. There is a very special contestant for our first same sex couples episode, my kid brother Blaine.”

Blaine let out a steadying breath, brushed his hand down his tie one last time, and stepped out from behind the curtain and walked towards the couch.

"Hi, Cooper," Blaine said.

Cooper stood and kissed Blaine on both cheeks before they sat down.

"Tell the audience a little about yourself and what you are looking for in a date."

"I graduated from NYU and I run a coffee shop. My dreams of being a performer weren't to be, but I love singing. We have an open mic night a few times a week and I've been known to sing once in a while. I adore Katy Perry and Roxy Music. If you want to describe me in one word, it would be nerdy and I’ll be dressing up for the next Star Wars movie. My perfect guy is someone who can be silly and have fun. Eating and being healthy is a must as long as he isn’t fanatical about it and will occasionally share a dessert with me. Most importantly, I believe in love. Ten million love songs can’t be wrong.”

“What’s your favorite love song?”

“Teenage Dream.”

“Of course it is,” Cooper said with a slight roll of his eyes. “Let's meet your potential dates. And since I know how important music is, we also ask them for their favorite love song. First up we have Craig."

The screen behind the couch showed a handsome man with blond hair in a jacket and tie.

"Hi, my name is Craig. I graduated from Columbia a few years ago. New York City is home, but even in a city of eight and a half million, it's hard to meet someone special. My job as a computer programmer is awesome and so is my golden retriever. In my spare time, I enjoy outdoor activities and I’m training to run the NYC marathon. I love sports, both watching and playing, and I want to see the Giants go to the Super Bowl. Keeping up with current events is important to me, especially politics. But only the real news. I don’t care who or what celebrities are doing. My favorite love song is Can’t Help Falling in Love With You, the original by Elvis.”

If Blaine were to describe his type, this guy was it. He’d always had a thing for jocks. The temptation to pick Craig had been strong. The much longer video Blaine viewed had been intriguing, but something he couldn’t put his finger on was missing.

 

“And next,” Cooper said, “we have Vince. The video switched to a man with brown hair and freckles.

This guy was seriously hot. He held himself with the air of someone who knows what they want and goes for it.

"I'm Vince and clubbing, drinking, and partying is my scene. I know all the best places in New York to go for a good time. My favorite movie is anything with Bruce Campbell in it. I’ve been to all fifty states, most Canadian provinces, and I backpacked across Europe, so a love for travel is a must for me. I’m also a bit of a literary snob, and while I’m not a big Jane Austen fan, I laughed my ass off through Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I don’t really have a favorite love song so I’ll go with You Shook Me All Night Long. It’s got a great beat and it’s fun to dance to.

Blaine tried not to react. Who the hell spliced that video together? Vince came across as a partying asshole just now instead of someone who liked to have fun, but enjoyed other things as well in the longer version.

"And last, but not least, out final contestant," Cooper said.

The video changed again to show a pale man with brown upswept hair and the most beautiful eyes Blaine had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Kurt and I graduated from NYADA. I currently have a small role in an off Broadway production. I’m addicted to Project Runway and I’ll make a killer soufflé for us to enjoy while we snuggle on the couch and watch the latest season. My dream vacation is Paris in the spring where we can sip coffee at a little cafe and I can practice my French. And maybe some French kissing. And while I believe that clothes are designed to impress, I have no problems getting dirty, especially if I get a heads up to dress for the occasion. My favorite love song? I want to say All You Need Is Love, but I have to go with Born This Way by Lady Gaga because you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”

“Blaine already went on his date with one of these lucky gentlemen,” Cooper said. “But before we find out how the date went, you get to vote on who you think Blaine should choose. Please remember that if the date doesn’t go well, he can try for a second chance at love with the person you choose. And if you’re watching at home, you can vote by text or online.”

Cooper leaned closer. "So who did you pick?"

"I chose Kurt. I appreciate his enthusiasm for performing and his sense of humor."

"Kurt is in another room and we’ll want his take on the date as well." Kurt's smiling face appeared on the screen behind the couch.

"Let's hear about your date. Kurt, would you say it was a success?"

"Define success," Kurt said evasively.

"Uh oh," Cooper said. What happened?"

"For starters, Blaine was late picking me up."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Everything was going to go perfectly, Blaine felt certain. The phone conversation with Kurt to set up the date reinforced that he'd chosen wisely. They had a love of performing in common, similar tastes in books and movies, and a gay boy adoration of Meg Ryan. Kurt laughed at Blaine's jokes and not everyone understood or appreciated his sense of humor.

When Kurt mentioned playing RiffRaff in high school, Blaine knew where to take Kurt on their date. Who said a first date needed to be conventional?

The GPS predicted a thirty minute drive time, so Blaine allowed an hour, figuring better to be early and have extra time to find parking.

Apparently, he should have allowed an hour and a half. Blaine's hands tightened on the steering wheel as he drove towards Kurt's place. Traffic sucked and he was going to be late. He'd almost forgotten why he didn't have a car in the city. Cabs, the subway, and good old fashioned walking were considerably more convenient for the average New Yorker. Wishing he'd opted for an alternate method wasn't making the traffic magically dissipate.

Finally. Blaine saw a building that matched the description Kurt had given him. Unfortunately, there was absolutely nowhere to park. He checked the time. Shit. Two minutes late already and he still needed to find a place for the car.

Driving around the block, and the next, and the next didn't help. Giving up, Blaine circled around the to the front of Kurt's building and pulled into the red zone. He dialed Kurt.

"Hello," Kurt said, a touch of frostiness in his voice.

"Hi, it's Blaine. I had the brilliant idea to rent a car for our date and then because I haven't driven in the city before, I misjudged the traffic and now that I'm really late, I can't find parking so instead of picking you up at your door like a gentleman, I'm calling to see if you can come down and meet me at the car." Blaine felt like an idiot for even asking.

"Sure, give me a minute."

At least Kurt was being a good sport. Or pretending to be a good sport. Blaine wanted to bang his head on the steering wheel. Why had he let Cooper talk him into this?

Cooper had gushed, ”Come on, Blaine. It'll be so much fun. You get your pick of three hot guys and we pay you to go on a date for free. Don't you want to be on T.V. with me? The show is doing really well and this will be a ratings booster. Plus I know I can trust you not to do anything stupid like take your date to a strip club. Please? You're my favorite brother." Cooper smiled his most charming smile.

"I'm your only brother," Blaine had mumbled before saying, "Fine, I'll do it."

Agreeing to Cooper's crazy schemes never ended well. Blaine knew this. He knew this like he knew his brother was an attention whore. And yet once again, here he was in the middle of the crazy before he remembered that he shouldn’t listen to Cooper. But how best to get even? Too obvious and Cooper would retaliate and it would escalate until something bad happened. Then it would keep escalating until something really bad happened.

Two taps on the window pulled Blaine from his tentative plans for revenge. Kurt pulled on the handle. The door didn't open. Blaine pressed the unlock button and Kurt tried again. The door still didn't open. Blaine began pushing as many buttons and levers as he could see. The front passenger window rolled down. Kurt reached in and opened the door from the inside.

"Sorry. The car I had before I moved to the city didn't have auto locks or windows." He reached into the back seat and pulled out a bouquet of flowers. "These are for you." Blaine hoped Kurt understood what he was trying to say with the daisies. A dozen roses seemed like way too much for a blind date. And, according to Meg Ryan, daisies were the friendliest flower.

"Thank you." Kurt lifted the flowers to his nose and inhaled.

“Daisies don’t smell,” Blaine said.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had daisies before. They’re lovely.”

"I'm so sorry I'm late,” Blaine started in a rush. “I allowed an extra half an hour to ensure I'd be on time and then I hit every red light between my place and here-"

Kurt interrupted, ”It's okay, Blaine. I don't drive anymore and I get what traffic is like. So let's put it behind us and see if we have a love connection.” He drew the last two words out in a teasing tone.

Blaine laughed.

"Did you get to meet Cooper Anderson yet?" Kurt asked. “When we went to the studio to film the introduction videos, he was ridiculously insistent with us contestants that we have a successful first date. Thanks for picking me, by the way. I still can't believe I let my friend talk me into this and I'm glad my fifteen seconds of fame isn't limited to the clip on the show."

"Aren't you going to take Broadway by storm?”

"Of course, but famous on Broadway isn't the same as famous on T.V."

"I guess not," Blaine said. "And don't worry about Cooper. He's always ridiculous." Blaine pointed at Kurt and in his best imitation of his brother said, "Blaine! Why aren't you going out for football? Gay guys dig football players just as much as straight women. Plus you're short, so you need to do something!"

"Brothers or cousins?" Kurt asked.

"Brothers. But before you ask, we look like our parents even though we don't really look like each other, much as I sometimes wish there had been a mixup at the hospital."

"I played football in high school and it didn't make all the closeted gay guys fall for me. I did have a crush on the straight quarterback."

"Did you pine from afar?"

"Not exactly. I got my dad to date his mom so we could get to know each other better.” 

Blaine laughed. ”How'd that work out?"

"I planned the perfect wedding for them and Finn and I danced together at the reception while he sang Just the Way You Are. I was over my crush by then, but it was still fun." Kurt sneezed.

"Bless you.”

“Thank you.”

"Where are we going?” Kurt asked.

"I know a great Italian place, Antonia’s. It has the best eggplant parmesan. We have reservations for nine."

"Sounds great."

Blaine slowly crept down the street. It would almost be faster to walk. There must be an accident or something jamming the streets. If the restaurant wasn't at least ten more miles away, he'd suggest parking the car and walking.

The light turned red as they approached the intersection. Kurt sneezed again. Blaine turned towards Kurt. His eyes were puffy and red. “You don’t have allergies, do you?” Blaine asked.

"Not that I know of. Oh, god. Are my eyes red?" Kurt flipped down the visor and peered into the mirror. "Shit. I think I might."

"My fault," Blaine said sadly. “I bet it was the flowers. There's a drug store up ahead. We can get rid of the daisies and get you some antihistamine and a cold pack for over your eyes. That’ll help with the redness and the swelling."

"Okay."

Blaine pulled into the parking lot. Of course, there were no spaces. He saw someone pulling out one lane over, but while he drove towards it, another car got there first. "I dislike suggesting this, but do you want to get out and I'll drive around? If I can find a spot, I'll park and go in, or I can keep circling till you're done."

"I was just about to suggest that. Great minds think alike."

"You should also toss the flowers and wash your hands and face." Blaine pulled up by the front door and Kurt got out. God, his pants were tight and they hugged his ass in the best possible way. Bad Blaine, he said to himself. You shouldn't be perving on someone who's sick, especially when it's your fault.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Blaine was glad the stage lights prevented him from seeing most of the audience.

"What happen next?" Cooper asked.

Blaine twisted his fingers together in an effort not to fidget. "It turns out Kurt is allergic to the flowers I'd brought him, so we stopped at a store to get him some medicine and a cold pack."

Cooper blinked. "Seriously?"

"Yep," Kurt said with a laugh. "My eyes itched so bad.”

“How did you not know you were allergic to daisies?” Cooper asked.

“The same way I don’t know if I’m allergic or not to bee stings. It hasn’t been an issue.”

"Anyway," Blaine continued, "Kurt took the antihistamine, leaned the seat back, and placed the cold pack over his eyes. I figured that by the time we got to the restaurant, he should be feeling better."

"Did you?" Cooper asked Kurt.

"I felt much better, even if my eyes were still a little red and puffy. At least I stopped sneezing."

"How was the food at Antonia’s? I've heard great things about it."

"I wouldn't know," Kurt said. "We didn't end up eating there."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

As they inched down the street, Blaine cursed the traffic in his head. And his stupidity. He bought his date flowers he was allergic to. They could bounce back from this. All Blaine had to do was make sure nothing else went wrong.

Blaine turned on a local pop station and quietly sang along for a few minutes. A loud bang sounded and the car listed to the right. He pulled over into a red zone in front of a clothing store and turned on the hazard lights.

“I think you have a flat,” Kurt said, head still back and the ice pack covering his eyes.

“Great,” Blaine mumbled. He climbed out of the car and checked the tires on the driver’s side. Both were fine. The hole in the rear passenger side tire explained the noise and difficulty steering. Blaine opened the trunk, shoved the bag aside, and lifted up the flap of carpeting. A spare tire sat in the indention under the trunk along with a small tool kit. Blaine may have helped his dad restore a car during high school and he could jump start a car with ease, but he didn’t have the faintest idea how to change a flat. Time to call a tow truck. 

The passenger door opened and Kurt stepped out. His eyes looked better, but there was still a faint pink tinge to the skin around his eyes.

“Is there a spare?” Kurt asked.

“Yes and some tools. I’m going to call for a tow truck.”

“I can change it.”

“Really?” Blaine asked. Kurt didn’t look like the type to work on cars.

Kurt crossed his arms over his chest and glared. “Yeah, really.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t know how to change a tire.”

“Then prepare to be impressed.” Kurt took off his jacket and then started unbuttoning his shirt.

“What are you doing?” Blaine asked.

“I know exactly how much grease I can get on myself changing a tire. I’ve been doing it in my dad’s garage since I was a teen. If you think I’m going to a nice restaurant covered in grease, then you weren’t paying attention to my intro video.”

Kurt set the jacket and shirt carefully in the trunk and pulled off his undershirt.

The layers had hidden Kurt’s lean muscles and flat stomach. Blaine wanted to lick his abbs.

Kurt set the toolkit on the sidewalk, loosened the lug nuts and jacked up the car with a practiced ease. He had the flat off in a matter of moments and the spare in its place shortly after. The flat tire was inside the space in the trunk and Kurt was brushing off the knees of his pants and his palms all before Blaine probably could have gotten through to an operator to call for a truck.

“Let me call the restaurant. We might be a few minutes late and I don’t want to lose the reservation.” Blaine looked up Antonia's on google and hit the call button. Blaine tried not to stare at Kurt as he put his shirt and tie back on.

“Hello, thank you for calling Antonia's. How can I help you?” a pleasant female voice asked.

"I have a reservation for Blaine Anderson for two at nine o’clock. We're going to be a few minutes late and I’d like to make sure that won’t be a problem."

"Pardon?"

"Reservation for Blaine Anderson." With the way things had been going so far, she was going to tell him he had no reservation and the wait was an hour.

"We don't make reservations. Could you have called Antonio's with an O by mistake? We get mixed up all the time and I believe they do take reservations."

Blaine stood with his mouth open trying to process. "How long is the wait?"

"About ninety minutes."

They wouldn't have time to eat and go to the movie. Blaine said, "Thank you," and disconnected the call. ”Apparently, I don’t have a reservation. I had plans to go see a movie after dinner and it won't work if we don't get seated for an hour and a half."

They could go somewhere else. But where could they get seated at almost nine on a Saturday in New York City?

"What movie?" Kurt asked.

"Rocky Horror at The Mystic."

"I love that theater. If you trust me, I know a place we can get dinner and still get to the show. It's not exactly the sort of place I'd usually take a guy on a first date, but I bet dinner costs a quarter what it would have at your restaurant."

"I'm game." Blaine thanked his lucky stars Kurt was still willing to continue the date.

"Is there anything you won't eat or are allergic to?" Kurt asked.

“No, and after the mix up with the reservations, I'll even eat Brussels sprouts and liver without complaint."

Kurt laughed. "Think we can do a little better than that."

"What kind of food is it?"

"I don't know exactly. You'll get what I mean when you see it. It's about five blocks from The Mystic. I know a parking garage that should have space and it's open till four am. It's going to cost a small fortune," Kurt warned.

"Sounds fine." Whatever the cost, Blaine would suck it up and pay it, even if he ended up going over what the show gave him.

They got back in the car and Kurt gave directions to the mysterious restaurant. Blaine couldn’t help but sing along when P!NK came on. He’d always loved Raise Your Glass. Kurt sang along and Blaine smiled at how amazing they sounded together.

Blaine glanced over at Kurt when they hit the next red light. His eyes looked better. Smiling to himself, he wondered if Kurt would give him another chance. On their next date, they'd take the subway or a cab like normal New Yorkers.

"The garage is in the middle of this block on the right," Kurt said.

Blaine turned into the garage and tried not to flinch when the attendant informed him parking cost twenty-five dollars an hour. Ugh, that was going to run about a hundred, give or take. At least the garage looked clean and the attendant professional in a polo and pressed slacks.

A twinge of uncertainty flickered as Blaine handed over the keys. Kurt hadn't bailed on him, which would be justified after being late, screwing up the reservations, and getting him sick. If Kurt was recommending this place and he seemed convinced they could get in and out of the restaurant in time for the movie, that was good enough for him.

Kurt reached for Blaine's hand and threaded their fingers together as they walked. All the awkwardness was worth it, Blaine decided.

"So what's the restaurant with the unpredictable menus?" Blaine asked.

"It's not a restaurant. We're going to the abandoned lot next to the Target."

"That Target doesn't have a restaurant."

"I know. We won't be going inside, we're just going to the abandoned lot next to it."

The lot came into view and Blaine laughed. About a dozen food trucks lined the back and sides of the lot.b Metal tables in the center space provided a place to sit and eat, but that didn't stop some people from sitting on the ground. Of course, everyone other than them was dressed casually. The aroma of barbecue and fried food hung in the air. A stereo played Journey's Don't Stop Believing. All it needed was a Ferris wheel and some carnival games for Blaine to feel like he was at a county fair.

"What is this?" Blaine asked. Clearly, he needed to get out more.

"It's the Food Truck Mafia," Kurt said. "It's ten to fifteen various food trucks that show up in parking lots and other empty spaces. They're always here on Saturdays. What are you in the mood for?"

Blaine scanned the trucks. Gyros, tacos, pizza, cheese steaks, corn dogs, alcohol, fried chicken, funnel cakes. The choices were overwhelming. "What's your favorite?"

"Steak and veggie kebobs with pita bread from the Greek truck, margaritas from the taco truck, and the dessert truck has the best cheesecake cupcakes. It doesn't sound like it should all go together, but that's what I usually end up getting if those three trucks are here." Kurt smiled as two little girls chased each other, running right in front of them.

"Sounds good to me. Wait. Do they take credit cards, because I just have a couple of bucks to get stuff to throw at Rocky."

"It's cash only," Kurt said, pulling out his wallet and handing Blaine some bills. "You go get the kebobs and bread, I'll get the drinks and dessert."

"I'll pay you back," Blaine said, his face flushing with embarrassment. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why hadn't he hit the ATM this afternoon? Because every place he goes takes a card.

Kurt muttered, "Mm hum."

The line was, thankfully, short and it only took about ten minutes to be headed over to the tables with foil wrapped food. Kurt stood by one end, setting down the drinks and cupcakes.

"This smells fantastic," Blaine said.

"It tastes even better."

A jab to Blaine's back sent him stumbling forward, bumping into Kurt, the food squishing between their chests.

"Sorry, dude," a voice behind Blaine said.

Blaine stepped back and stared in horror at the kebab sauce oozing down Kurt's shirt. "Sorry. I'm so sorry. A guy bumped into me."

Kurt glanced down at his shirt. "It's fine, Blaine. This shirt is last season. Let's eat. I'm hungry. Besides, you got yourself, too.

Several splotches of sauce now decorated his shirt and tie. With the way the night had gone, a little sauce didn’t rate high on his list of concerns. He sat down and took a big bite. "This is excellent. I’m going to have to come back."

"They travel around the city," Kurt said. "You can check their Facebook page for where they're going to be and what trucks are planning on showing."

Blaine sipped his margarita. "Wow, there's a lot of tequila in this."

Kurt took a large swallow. “Yeah, there is. Apparently, I’m trying to get you drunk and take advantage of you,” he said with a laugh.

"You don't need to get me drunk and it wouldn't be taking advantage of me. But maybe we can discuss it if we have a second date?”

“I'll keep that in mind."

Hope fluttered in Blaine's chest. Kurt hadn't outright said no to the possibility of a second date.

They finished the food and tossed the trash. Kurt held Blaine's hand as they walked towards the theater.

"I haven't seen Rocky at The Mystic before. How dressed up does everyone get?" Kurt asked.

"There's a live cast, but most of the audience wears civvies. There are a few people in costumes, but it's usually the less racy ones. They sell tranny packs with toilet paper and toast for throwing, so we'll be all set."

"That's good. I feel a little weird about wearing a shirt with sauce on it to the show, but at least we'll match."

"I have a change of clothes in the car," Blaine said suddenly. "It won't be as stylish as what you have on now and I’ll have to wear the white undershirt, but it’s better than sauce stains.”

"Why do you have a change of clothes in the car?"

"I stayed overnight at Cooper's." The words came out in a rush.

Kurt raised his eyebrows and stared at Blaine. "Really?"

"No, not really," Blaine said with a sigh. "Cooper came over to make sure I looked presentable and he insisted I pack an overnight bag because, quote, the Anderson brothers don't do the walk of shame in last night's clothes when we get lucky. We do a victory dance out the door and high-five the neighbors after getting laid."

Kurt burst out laughing. "Have you actually high-fived the neighbors?"

“Oh, god no, this was the first I've heard of this particular rule. Cooper probably has. He sees no reason to be embarrassed about liking sex and every reason to brag.”

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The audience roared with laughter.

"You weren't supposed to tell him why you had the overnight bag." Cooper waggled his finger at Blaine.

Blaine shrugged. At least everyone thought it was funny when Blaine explained about Cooper packing the bag and putting it in the trunk despite Blaine's protests "just in case."

"Rocky Horror is a little odd for a first date, don't you think?" Cooper said.

"Not at all," Kurt said. "I love live theater and I played RiffRaff in high school. Rocky is a cult classic. Yeah, it's kind of a sexualized environment, but it's fun yelling, throwing stuff, and getting up and dancing to The Time Warp is always fun."

"Did Blaine know some callback lines that you didn't?"

Kurt giggled and Blaine's face began to heat up. Hopefully, all the stage makeup hid his blush.

"I should have called the theater ahead of time," Blaine said. "In my defense, they show Rocky every single weekend without fail. Except, of course, for this Saturday."

"What were they showing and why are you blushing?" Cooper asked.

Great. Now everyone who hadn't noticed would be staring at his red face. "Dan Savage's Hump Tour. It's amateur porn."

Cooper opened his mouth and closed it again. "I'm trying to imagine something worse than taking a date to see porn," he finally said.

Kurt’s smile widened. "Oh, trust me. It got worse."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The tequila provided a light buzz. Everything would be fine. Kurt didn't seem angry despite how badly Blaine botched the date left, right, and center. And it was strangely sexy seeing Kurt wearing one of Blaine’s shirts.

The line for the show stretched farther than usual. "Why don't you wait here and I'll get the tickets," Blaine said.

"Sure thing."

Blaine only half paid attention as the guy in the ticket booth said something about it being an adults only show and they were checking IDs. Huh. Blaine never got carded at Rocky. Not even when he was fourteen and went with some friends from school. Who cared? He was an adult and they could see his driver's license if they wanted.

He and Kurt held hands while they waited for the doors to open. "I'm glad you didn't run away screaming. This isn't exactly how I pictured the date going."

Kurt squeezed his hand. "It's certainly been memorable. And if I were to run away, I'd at least be dignified enough not to scream."

The doors opened and the line slowly shuffled forward. "They're carding, so get your ID out," Blaine said.

"I get carded everywhere. I look like I'm twelve."

Blaine leaned closer. “No, you don't. You look like a very sexy man. Especially with your shirt off. I wanted to lick your abbs while you were changing the tire."

Kurt's eyes went wide.

"Uhhhh...," Blaine stammered. "I can't believe I just said that. I think there was a lot more alcohol in that drink than I realized."

"Wouldn't that be a little awkward?” Kurt asked.

“What would?"

"Licking my abbs while I change a tire?"

"Probably. You'd look hot in a mechanic's coveralls with the top unzipped and pulled down so it barely hangs off your hips.” Tequila, obviously, caused his brain to mouth filter to malfunction. He needed to stop talking.

The lady in front of them turned around. "Oh my god, you totally should film that."

"Film what?" Kurt asked.

"Film you," she pointed at Kurt, "with no shirt on trying to fix a car while you," she gestured to Blaine, "try and distract him. Definitely finish with one of you bent over the hood of the car. Grand prize winner for sure."

Blaine blinked. "Grand prize? What are you talking about?"

"Hump Tour awards a five thousand dollar grand prize for the winning video. You know...Hump Tour...the amateur porn film festival we're in line to see."

"You said they were showing Rocky Horror," Kurt hissed at Blaine.

Blaine pulled the tickets out of his back pocket and scanned them.

“Oh, not this week, hon" the lady said.

"We should leave," Kurt said. "There's nothing you can say to convince me we should watch amateur porn."

"It's hosted by Dan Savage?" Blaine said without thinking. Of course, they should leave. Rocky was one thing. Porn was something else. Shouldn't everyone in line be watching porn on their computers at home like normal people?

"Let me see that." Kurt snatched a ticket out of Blaine's hand and read it. "You win, we're staying."

"I...okay?"

The lady laughed. "How long have you been together? You two are adorable."

"First date," Kurt said.

"Good luck." She smiled and turned back around.

"We don't have to do this," Blaine said. "We can go sing karaoke or something."

"Nope. The It Gets Better campaign helped me survive high school. I don't care what kind of crazy sex he shows. Dan Savage is here. I'm staying."

"We're staying," Blaine said firmly.

The line surged forward. They showed their IDs, handed over the tickets, received a program, and entered the lobby. The scent of buttered popcorn wafted in the air.

"I'm going to grab a diet Coke," Kurt said. "You want one?"

"Regular's fine for me and this is my treat." They queued up for the concession stand.

Blaine had no idea what to say. They were going to watch porn. Together. At least there would be some gay videos. As an out and proud gay activist, Dan probably wouldn't just show straight stuff. Actually, lesbian porn would be best. Then Blaine wouldn't get hard. What was he doing? Cooper was going to kill him. Blaine was pretty sure when Cooper said no strip clubs, no porn went without saying.

When they arrived at the front of the line and Blaine ordered their drinks, thankful he could pay for these with his card. The guy rang up the drinks and handed two cans across the counter.

They had taken less than three steps when Kurt said, ”Fuck. Me,” and grabbed Blaine's hips, moving him a step and a half to the right. "Don't move," Kurt whispered and he leaned his head between Blaine's shoulder blades.

"Holy fucking shit! Lady Hummel's going to watch porn?"

Lady Hummel? Wasn't Kurt's last name Hummel?

A Latina girl in a fitted blue dress and high heels came running over. She bumped Blaine out of the way with her hip and threw her arms around Kurt.

Blaine tightened his grip on the Cokes, thankful they hadn't opened the drinks yet. With the way the night had been going, if the drinks had come in cups, he'd have probably spilled soda all over himself. Or Kurt.

"You should have told me you wanted to gets your porn on," the girl said to Kurt. "You could've come for drinks with me and Britt."

"I'm on a date, Satan, and you just pushed him out of the way."

“Uh huh." She pulled a phone out of her tiny purse and tapped it rapidly with her thumbs. “Britt's gonna save you two seats next to ours."

Determined to get control of the situation, he pasted a cheerful smile on his face. "Hi, I'm Blaine."

"This is Santana," Kurt said, gesturing to the girl. "I went to high school with her and her girlfriend Brittany. Santana, this is Blaine."

"So, Preppy. How long have you and my boy Kurt been hooking up? Neither of you is walking funny, so I need details."

"We haven't had sex." And even if we had, Blaine thought, I wouldn't discuss it with you.

Her eyes darted back and forth between the two of them. "Whoah, whoah, whoah. Kurt is grade A prime cut gay man meat. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Santana!" Kurt yelled. "Shut the fuck up and butt the fuck out. We’re on our first date. Anyway, why do you care about my sex life? You're a lesbian."

"Doesn't mean I can't appreciate a nice juicy cock. Just means I don't want to fuck it. I did promise Brittany that if you ever wanted to take a walk on the straight side of the street, she has my permission. And my help if you're into threesomes."

Kurt's face turned steadily redder.

"Santana, I think you're embarrassing Kurt and if you want us to sit with you, you'll stop," Blaine said.

"I'm always like this, eyebrows."

"And I'm always protective of my dates. Especially when I really like him," Blaine said.

"Fine," Santana huffed. "But I don't care what Brittany says to you or Kurt. You start any shit with her, I've got razor blades all up in my hair and I won't hesitate to cut a bitch."

Blaine nodded, unsure what response would be appropriate. Kurt didn't appear concerned if his eye roll was anything to go by.

They followed Santana into the theater, stopping at the fourth row where a blonde girl lay across four seats, her short skirt barely covering her crotch.

Santana said, "Move it."

The girl Blaine guessed was Brittany stood up, apparently unconcerned that she flashed her underwear. "Dolphin! And another dolphin! Can I watch you two make out?"

"No, Boo, I’m not kissing him here," Kurt said.

She pouted and stamped her foot. "Please?"

"Brittany." Kurt tilted his head and glared.

"Fine." She flopped down in one of the seats and patted the one next to her. "Will you sit next to me? You're better than Santana about explaining stuff."

Kurt sat next to Brittany and gestured to the seat next to him. "Blaine, sit here."

At least Blaine didn't have to sit next to Santana. He couldn't articulate why Brittany asking them to make out was okay, but if Santana had done it, he'd have insisted they move. "Why did Brittany call us dolphins?” Blaine whispered.

"Because a dolphin is a gay shark."

"I don't get it."

"Neither do I." Kurt sipped at his Coke and then pulled the armrest down and placed the can in the holder.

Blaine scanned the list of titles on the program. The last one would be Two Girls and a Kitty. Probably meant pussy, but shouldn't that be two girls and two kitties?

Dan Savage took the stage and the audience cheered. "Welcome to Hump Tour! We want everyone to have fun, so there are a few rules."

"Fuck the rules," Blaine said under his breath, quoting the response to rules at Rocky Horror.

Kurt giggled.

If Kurt was willing to give him a second chance, Blaine would take him to Rocky. Maybe even get both of them to dress up.

"There are two rules," Dan continued. "Rule number one. Put your phone away. If you take it out or turn it on, I will confiscate it and you don't get it back. Ever. I'll take dick pics and send them to everyone on your call list. Before you start thinking it might be fun, think about who is on your call list. Like your boss and your mom."

He paused for a moment to let everyone laugh. "Rule number two. No rude comments. This is amateur short porn movies. Not everything you see may be your kink, but that's okay. It could be the kink of the big burly person sitting near you. The people in the videos are real people and they may not have perfect bodies. It's okay to laugh if it's funny, or react, or feel uncomfortable if it's not your thing, but rude comments will get your ass booted. You have been warned. And now enjoy the show!"

Kurt cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "I love you."

Dan smiled. "I love you, too. Now shut up and no more talking."

The lights dimmed and Kurt took Blaine's hand.

Blaine couldn't say he enjoyed watching all of the movies. Some of them were downright weird. A few were funny. His favorite, so far, involved an attractive guy in a nice hotel room with several dildos. He'd fucked himself six ways from Sunday with all of them in the shower and on every flat surface of the room before he came all over his chest. He got up, put on a conservative suit and a name tag indicating he was with the FLDS. 

Everyone laughed and Brittany asked Kurt where the actor's sunglasses were. They guy on screen wasn't nearly as gorgeous as Kurt, but watching the giant dildos disappear in the guy’s ass over and over made him squirm. Which was a completely normal and totally inappropriate response.

Some of the movies were a little disturbing. The ones with lesbians in them were interesting, even if they didn't do anything for him. Blaine estimated that they should be getting near the end. It seemed an eternity that he'd been sitting in the dark trying not to react too much to the stuff that was sexy or uncomfortable so Kurt wouldn't think he was either a pervert or a prude.

The words Two Girls and a Kitty appeared on the screen.

Fantastic, Blaine thought. He'd survived.

Brittany stood in the center of the screen in a cheerleader outfit and her hair in a ponytail. "So when I was in high school, my girlfriend Santana and I made a sex tape. I wanted to submit it, but she said I couldn't because we were teenagers and because I'd spliced in footage of my cat cleaning."

"No one cares about that part," Santana called from off screen.

"Sure they do. Everyone loves hearing about hot lesbian cheerleaders fuck each other."

The audience chuckled.

"Anyway," Brittany continued, "we reenacted the video from high school, but we're totally adults now and since I couldn't have my cat, I have Kitty!"

A short blonde girl wearing furry cat ears and a long furry tail sticking out the bottom of her cheerleader uniform stepped into view. She waved and Blaine laughed when he realized that the fingerless gloves had paw prints over her palms. Beside him, Kurt face palmed, moaning into his hand.

The scene cut to Santana and Brittany rolling around on a bed in their cheerleader outfits while Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" played in the background.

The pink comforter and the size of the bed made Blaine wonder if it was Brittany's room at her parent's house. Blaine squinted his eyes shut as best he could without making it obvious he was squinting his eyes shut.

Santana and Brittany tried to suck each other's faces off, Brittany's fingers disappearing underneath Santana's skirt. The girls thrust against each other, causing their skirts to shift up and reveal that neither had on any underwear and both of them shaved.

Blaine clamped his eyes closed. That was way more naked girl than he ever wanted to see. Especially if they were Kurt’s friends.

Laughter broke out around him and Blaine opened his eyes. Kitty held up a feather duster and began dusting the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

Blaine blinked. Who dusts a bathroom with a feather duster? A sideways glance told him Kurt had no idea either.

The scene switched back to Brittany and Santana, now with their tops off, Santana with her mouth around Brittany's nipple, sucking and biting. Brittany threw her head back and moaned. Santana's hand cupped Brittany's breast and she squeezed, causing Brittany to moan louder.

And back to Kitty cleaning. This time, she used a white cloth to polish a tall vase in a positively obscene manner, rubbing her hand up and down the glass and moaning, "Ohhhhhh."

Santana and Brittany again. This time, Brittany with her legs spread and what appeared, through Blaine's mostly closed eyes, to be Santana's entire hand inside her vagina. How was that even comfortable? It must be, because Brittany whimpered, "Harder." Santana sped up and Brittany's breasts jiggled with each thrust.

Kitty in the kitchen, bending over to clean the feet of a chair and making it obvious that the cat tail was attached to a thong.

Brittany and Santana laying on their sides 69ing. Brittany's knees began shaking. Santana gripped Brittany's thighs, her body quivering and then she sagged back on the bed.

"That was even better than high school," Santana said.

The movie ended with Kitty smirking and giving an exaggerated wink just as the song finished with Katy singing, "and I liked it."

"I liked it, too," someone in the audience said.

"Me, too."

"I liked filming it better," Brittany said loudly. Several people nearby turned to look. Kurt slunk down in his seat.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Wait a minute," Cooper said. "You end up at an amateur porn film festival and your date's lesbian friends from high school were in one of the videos?"

"Yeah," Blaine said, wishing he could make it sound less bad.

"Why don't you have lesbian friends from high school who make porn?"

"I went to an all boy's prep school."

"Such excuses. So Kurt. What happened next?"

Blaine fought the urge to grimace.

"After that, I desperately needed a drink," Kurt said. "We headed back towards my place and miracle of miracles, we found a spot to park. There's a fantastic gay bar that does karaoke a few blocks from where I live so we headed over there."

"I know how much Blaine loves singing," Cooper said. "Let me guess. With the way your night was going you either got in a bar fight or sang a flirty duet."

"No bar fight, unless you count the verbal beat down I gave Blaine's ex," Kurt said smugly.

Cooper's eyes went wide. "Please tell me you didn't run into what's his fu-" Cooper paused and then said, "what's his face."

Blaine snorted. Cooper only referred to Blaine's asshole ex as "what's his fucker" because he didn't deserve to have a proper name.

"Like you said, with the way our night was going, of course, we did."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"I'm surprised it's not busier," Kurt said as they walked into The Oasis. "Although I'm usually not here this late."

"I like it." Blaine said. It was well lit and decorated with classy dark wood furnishings. People played pool at the two tables in the back. The bar ran along the back wall and tables and chairs were scattered around the room, most were filled, but they would be able to get a seat. The music wasn’t so loud they would have to shout and a small space was open for dancing in front of the stage.

Kurt wove through the patrons, heading for the bar.

"And what would you gentleman like tonight?" the bartender asked.

"A pink lemon drop," Kurt said.

"One for me, too." Blaine didn't know what kind of a drink it was, and he didn't care.

The bartender mixed the drinks and set them down on the bar. Blaine paid for the drinks and they headed over to an empty table.

"What's in this?" Blaine asked.

"Vodka, lemon juice, sugar, and just enough grenadine to turn it pink."

"It's good."

"Long time no see," said a horribly familiar voice.

Blaine froze, staring in horror as his ex from college strolled over with a smirk on his face. He hadn’t seen Sebastian Smythe since the night he’d caught him fucking some random guy at a party.

Sebastian looked Kurt up and down. "I thought you were gay. What are you doing with a girl?"

"Sweetheart," Kurt said. "Who's this?"

 

"My cheating ex from college. Sebastian."

"Please tell me this isn't the guy who taught you how to do that thing with your tongue," Kurt said.

“Um, no." Blaine had no idea what Kurt was talking about.

“Good. Because if that guy is half as cute as you, he deserves a thank you threesome."

"Sure," Blaine said, suddenly realizing that Kurt was acting like they'd been dating long enough to know about each other's exes and making stuff up because they hadn’t.

"Blaine is too much of a prude to have a threesome," Sebastian said dismissively. "All he wanted to do when we were dating was sit around in his underwear and watch football."

Kurt snorted and took a sip of his drink. "Maybe he was repressed with you, but not anymore. And besides, watching hot sweaty guys tackle each other while Blaine is in his underwear? There's no downside to that. Especially during the halftime show. Mmmmm."

"Just because you've screwed ten times as many guys as I have doesn't mean I'm a prude," Blaine said.

"I'm offended that you think I've only fucked twenty guys."

It took a moment for Blaine to realize what Sebastian was implying. "I've slept with more than two guys!" Blaine glanced sideways at Kurt. He probably shouldn't be yelling that in front of his date.

"So have I," Kurt said with a shrug. "Anyway, I'll say thank you and now you can fuck off back to whatever rock you crawled out from under."

"Thank you for what?" Sebastian demanded.

"For being a jerk and freeing Blaine to find bigger and better things."

"You aren't bigger than me, princess."

“Yes, he is," Blaine said because he knew it would piss Sebastian off. "By at least two inches. He's thicker, too."

"Bullshit," Sebastian scowled.

"I don't care what you think,” Blaine said.

An epiphany hit Blaine like a sledgehammer. He didn't care what Sebastian thought. It had been devastating when he'd caught Sebastian cheating. The amount of time he'd spent fantasizing about how things would go if he ran into his ex again was mortifying. Blaine would be rich, successful, with a gorgeous guy and Sebastian would beg to take him back. Blaine would smile sadly and say no, he'd moved on.

Now he didn't care. This was the best day ever!

"I'm not wasting any more time on this,” Kurt said. “Blaine never mentioned you before and he won't be mentioning you again. You aren't important or memorable enough for either of us to bother with. Blaine, go put us down for karaoke. I want to sing something fun.”

“Let me guess,” Sebastian said. “You’re going to pick something super gay.”

Kurt’s smile turned scary. “I’m super and I’m gay. So anything I sing will be super gay.”

“What if it’s something you don’t know?” Blaine asked.

“Babe, if you can find something I don’t know and can’t dance to, I’ll wake you up with breakfast and a blow job for a week.’

“That sounds like a challenge.”

“Accepted. But if you can’t, you can wake me up.”

Blaine reluctantly left Kurt at the table with Sebastian gaping at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Kurt and Sebastian having a heated discussion followed by Sebastian storming off. Blaine barely paid attention to the song he signed them up for and hurried back over to the table.

"Was he horrible? What did he say?" Blaine asked.

"Nothing I couldn't handle. Sebastian won't be bothering you again. I may have implied that you're a bit of a size queen and a freak in bed so Sebastian couldn't satisfy you. Jeeze. Why does he care who you sleep with?”

The DJ called them up a moment later and they hurried onto the stage.

Kurt stood in front of the mic. “What’d you pick?”

“Something super gay and fun that you hopefully don’t know and can’t dance to.” Blaine winked.

Disco music began playing a moment before the words appeared on the screen. “You lose,” Kurt said and then began singing.

Body, wanna feel my body,

Body, baby, such a thrill, my body

Body, wanna touch my body,

Body, baby, it's too much, my body

Kurt alternated between running his hands up and down his chest and Blaine’s. He grabbed Blaine’s hands and placed them low on his hips. It was practically obscene the way Kurt danced, grinding against Blaine and getting him hard.

When the main part of the song started, Kurt began dancing in a specific and practiced way. Kurt’s performed this before, Blaine realized. Half the audience made the same motions with their arms so it must be from the video or something. Blaine wished they really were dating so he could wake Kurt up with a blow job.

Macho, macho man

I gotta be a macho man

Macho macho man

I gotta be a macho man

At the musical break, Kurt posed, flexing his muscles, then he dropped down to the floor and began doing pushups without breaking a sweat. He gracefully hopped back up and started doing jumping jacks while singing.

Every man ought to be a macho, macho man

To live a life of freedom, machos make a stand

Have your own lifestyles and ideals

Possess the strength of confidence, that's the skill

You can best believe that he's a macho man

He's the special person in anybody's land

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Macho, macho man

I gotta be a macho man

Macho macho man

I gotta be a macho man

The song finished to wild applause from the audience. Kurt took a theatrical bow and gestured to Blaine. He bowed, much less gracefully, and they headed back to the table.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

“With all the great songs you could have sung, you picked something by the Village People?” Cooper asked.

Kurt gave Cooper his best “Bitch, Please” look. “The point of karaoke is to have fun, not to get on the mic and wail like Aretha. Besides, Blaine had no way of knowing that I’d performed it at a friend’s bachelorette party.”

“We sang Animal by Neon Trees after that,” Blaine said. "Does that count as a flirty duet?”

Cooper considered for a moment. “Yeah, I guess. So a sorta bar fight and flirty duet. How did the date end?”

"I walked Kurt to his door, kissed him on the cheek, and wished him pleasant dreams," Blaine lied. That wasn't exactly the end of the date.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The date was almost officially over. Saying goodnight at the door was the gentlemanly thing to do. Blaine leaned forward and kissed Kurt's cheek. "I had fun despite the hiccups. Sweet dreams."

"I plan on having very sweet dreams," Kurt said. "About you licking my abbs."

Blaine's dick hardened and he swallowed back a moan. "You're killing me, Kurt. I'm trying to be a gentleman here."

"A gentleman wouldn't leave me hard and horny and make me get out my fleshlight." Kurt threaded his fingers through the curls at the base of Blaine's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. "Will you stay?"

They didn't know each other. Not really. And ever since dating Sebastian, Blaine had subscribed to the third date rule for sex. Which suddenly seemed ridiculous. "Yes," he said, throwing caution to the wind. "I usually bottom. I probably should have said that before I said I'd stay."

"Lucky me. I've wanted to fuck you all night."

Blaine smiled against Kurt's lips. "Even after I took you to see porn?"

"Especially after you took me to see porn. That guy with all the dildos got me hot and bothered. Except I kept imagining how much sexier it would be to watch you do that."

"Maybe next time.” Blaine wasn't sure how he felt about doing that in front of another person. For Kurt, he’d try.

"You better bring your A game if you want a next time."

With a laugh, Blaine said, "You better bring *your* A game if *you* want a next time."

Kurt took his hand and led Blaine to the bedroom, untucking his shirt with his free hand. Blaine yanked his shirt off over his head and undid his pants, while toeing off his shoes and then his socks. He pulled down his pants and underwear at the same time and tossed them on the chair with his shirt. Kurt wiggled out of his pants and dropped them in the dresser. He handed the shirt back to Blaine, who threw it in the general direction of his other clothes. 

Blaine threw himself backward on the bed, bouncing slightly. He made a “come here” motion with his finger. Kurt crawled on the bed and straddled his hips, leaning in for a kiss.

The sensation of naked skin left Blaine panting. Fingertips trailed up his chest and neck to cup his face.

They kissed for what felt like hours, tongues sliding together, and moaning into each other’s mouths. Blaine lightly scratched his nails down Kurt’s back and he arched into the sensation.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, Blaine panted, “Lube and condoms?”

“I’ll get them.” Kurt stretched across Blaine to open the top dresser drawer. He sat up long enough to rip open a foil packet, roll the condom on, and add some lube.

Blaine lay back and spread his legs. Kurt’s mouth was on his a moment later and two slippery fingers were circling his hole. They breached his entrance and slowly slid back and forth. Kurt began moving his fingers apart, stretching the muscles, opening Blaine up. He added a third finger and pushed in, brushing across Blaine’s prostate. Blaine groaned, burying his face in Kurt’s neck

“I want you,” Kurt said, kissing down Blaine’s chest.

“Want you, too.”

Kurt pulled out his fingers and pressed his dick inside slowly.

The stretch felt amazing. Kurt was inside him, touching him everywhere, thrusting in slow and steady. Blaine grabbed two handfuls of ass and pulled Kurt closer.

Kurt licked along the shell of Blaine’s ear and gently bit the lobe.

Blaine pushed his hips up and Kurt let out a breathy moan. He couldn’t hold back any longer. Blaine reached between their bodies and grabbed his dick. He stroked himself in time to Kurt’s thrusts, eyes rolling back in his head.

A cry of Kurt's name escaped Blaine’s lips as he came, hot and wet between them. He sagged back onto the mattress and continued to kiss Kurt as his breathing sped up and his thrusts became erratic. Kurt pushed in hard and deep and his body quivered with pleasure.

Kurt’s weight settled on Blaine and they lay there panting, heart rates slowly returning to normal.

“I want to be a gentleman and get a cloth to clean us up, but you’re kind of on top of me,” Blaine said.

“I think it’s my turn to be a gentleman.” Kurt peeled himself off of Blaine and left the room, returning a moment later with a damp washcloth. Kurt cleaned them off quickly and dropped the cloth on the end table. He pulled the comforter and sheets out from under Blaine, crawled onto the bed, and pulled the blankets over both of them.

Blaine lay on his back, Kurt’s head pillowed on his shoulder. He wanted to enjoy the moment for as long as possible, but the rhythm of Kurt’s slow steady breathing lulled him into unconsciousness.

***

Blaine woke up to Kurt half lying on top of him with their legs tangled together and he waited to freak out. All things being equal, sex on the first date wasn’t the best idea, but Kurt was amazing and Blaine would never regret going for it.

He lay there for a few moments debating whether getting up to make breakfast in bed was worth the risk of Kurt waking up alone.

“It’s too early for you to be thinking so loudly. Go back to sleep,” Kurt mumbled.

“I was thinking I owe you breakfast in bed and a blow job.”

“You don't owe me anything, Blaine.”

Blaine leaned forward and kissed Kurt. “What if I want to take you to brunch because I really like you and I’m not ready to say goodbye yet?”

A smile spread across Kurt’s face. “You’d be willing to do the walk of shame to the diner down the block?”

“Well, I did get lucky. But like I said last night, the Anderson brothers don’t do the walk of shame. We do a victory dance out the door and high-five the neighbors after getting laid.”

Blaine kissed Kurt again. “I’d love to stay in bed with you all day, but I really worked up an appetite last night.”

“Lets get dressed. I can’t have you passing out from exhaustion. I have plans for you before I send you home.” Kurt pulled Blaine closer and pressed their lips together. “Naked plans.”

Cooper had been right about packing the overnight bag. A nice clean pair of underwear was better for going to brunch than rewearing the ones from last night. They held hands in the elevator and on the way out the front door. Two teenagers stood on the sidewalk in front of the building, their dog sniffing at some litter.

“High-five for a beautiful day?” Blaine asked, holding up his hand. The guy gave him a weird look, but complied.

The girl’s smirk spread into a smile. “Sure.” She slapped her palm against Blaine’s and then held her hand up to Kurt. He reluctantly patted it. The dog tugged on the leash and the two teens walked off.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Kurt said.

“After last night, I should be dancing around the block, but I desperately need coffee if I’m going to be that enthusiastic.”

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"That's it?" Cooper asked. "Just a goodnight kiss on the cheek? Well, I guess you're lucky Kurt didn't slap you after all that.” 

Cooper turned to address the camera. “Who is Blaine going to go on his next date with? Could Kurt give Blaine a second chance after their disaster of a first date or will Blaine get to try his luck with one of our other suitors? Let’s find out who you chose for Blaine.”

Pictures of the three contestants appeared on the screen. Numbers appeared beneath each picture and changed randomly, finally settling on the results.

Forty-one percent for Craig.

Thirty-seven percent for Kurt.

Twenty-two percent for Vince.

“It looks like the audience picked Craig,” Cooper said. “The show will pay if you'd like to go on a date with him.”

“What?” Blaine yelped. “No! I want Kurt.” He didn’t even wait to hear whatever idiotic thing Cooper had to say on the subject. “Kurt, will you go out with me again?”

Kurt smiled brightly on the screen. “Absolutely.”

“Seriously?” Cooper said.

“Yeah. I had fun. Sure things didn’t go as smoothly as I wanted, but I got to tell Dan Savage I love him and Blaine was a perfect gentleman.

Blaine kept his eyes down. He’d been a perfect gentleman keeping Kurt up all night. Having orgasms, but still.

Cooper clapped along with the audience. "Come on out, Kurt!”

Kurt walked out onto the stage, waving. Blaine stood up and wrapping his arms around Kurt before dipping him and placing a lingering kiss on his lips.

The audience said, “Awwwwww.”

Blaine wanted to smirk because, yeah, they were that cute. They sat down and Kurt threaded his fingers through Blaine’s.

Cooper’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of them. “You two seem awfully friendly considering how your date ended.”

Kurt smirked. “That wasn’t exactly how our date ended.”

“Oh really. And what did my darling little brother neglect to mention?”

“The part where he woke me up Sunday morning with kisses and then we went out to brunch.”

Heat flooded Blaine’s face as the audience roared. High-fiving random neighbors he’d never see again to make Kurt laugh was one thing. Talking about having sex on TV was another.

“Way to go, Blaine,” Cooper said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to spoil the surprise,” Blaine mumbled. Why hadn’t he and Kurt discussed what they were willing to talk about on the show beforehand? Oh, yeah. Because they were too busy having sex.

“The show will pay for you to go on a second date and report back about how it went.”

Kurt laughed. “That’s great, but we can’t accept.”

“Sure we can,” Blaine said at the same time as Cooper asked, “Why not?”

"Oh my god, you guys are both idiots.” Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Hey," Cooper protested.

Blaine said, "I am not."

"Babe, you do realize that Cooper is offering to have the show pay for a second date because he doesn't know we've been on two dates since our first one,” Kurt said. “And Cooper, I don't know what Blaine told you, but he's obviously been lying or you'd know that he's been at my place practically every night since our first date."

Blaine opened his mouth to remind Kurt he’d gone home after two nights. He'd justified it by reasoning that the date didn't technically end until he went home. Since their second date, he'd been home less than an hour at a time to grab clothes and a few other things.

As if anticipating what Blaine wanted to say, Kurt held up a hand. “Wait. Before you say anything, Blaine, I know why you picked the song you did for karaoke when we when out with Santana and Brittany. You aren’t as sneaky as you seem to think you are.”

“I…uh…what?” Blaine spluttered.

“Why did you pick Single Ladies? Because you honestly thought I couldn't sing it or because you wanted an excuse to stay over again to pay up on our bet.”

Blaine had wanted to see Kurt do the Single Ladies dance, but, yeah, he’d been certain that Kurt could. And then instead of just hinting that he wanted to stay over again, he suggested that he owed someone breakfast in bed and a blowjob.

The audience roared with catcalls and whistles.

"Two rules,” Cooper said loudly and he pointed at Blaine. “There were two g. d. rules. No strip clubs and no contact until we film. So what do you do? Take him to see porn and go on more dates.” Cooper picked up the pillow next to him and threw it at Blaine’s face.

Too stunned to move, the pillow hit Blaine and he said, “Ow!”

“It’s my fault,” Kurt said. “Blaine is amazing and he’s smoking hot. I couldn’t help myself and honestly, I didn’t try.”

More cheers from the audience. Someone yelled, “Get some, sexy boys!”

“It looks like Blaine managed to make a love connection despite the fact that he can't. Follow. Instructions,” Cooper said. “We need to break for a commercial. When we come back, we’ll meet Lydia and find out which girl she selects for her date.”

Cooper smiled as the music started.

The cameraman yelled, “Two minutes twenty seconds till we’re live again.”

Cooper fell back into the couch and rubbed at his temples.

Blaine figured Cooper was sufficiently distracted so he threw the pillow back at his brother. Who batted it aside without looking up - the stupid ass.

“Seriously," Kurt said. "Blaine was trying to follow the rules and being all, ‘I know we can’t talk till the show, but I’ll be thinking about you’ and I told him I saw no reason to wait that long because I wanted him now. Apparently, I can be very persuasive.”

“I don’t know if I should hug you for telling off what’s his fucker or knock your heads together because you have no respect for the rules.” Cooper stood up and pulled Kurt into a hug. “I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of you.” He pointed at Blaine. “And if you’re shacking up with Kurt, I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot less of you.”

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

One Year Later

"What are you and Kurt doing for your one year anniversary?" Cooper asked, his smile too wide for regular conversation.

"Why?" Blaine asked.

"My producer wants to do a follow up on a few couples still together a year or more later. The show will pay for another date and you two get to come back on to talk about how great it was and how happy finding love on The New Love Connection has made you."

"Well, in that case, we were going to go on the date we tried to go on last year - dinner at Antonia's and Rocky Horror. But of course, the Mystic is showing Hump again. So we submitted a video and it got selected. We're going to have dinner at the food truck caravan, see ourselves in a short porn movie, sing karaoke at The Oasis, and go home and fuck like bunnies. Just like last year."

Cooper growled. "Can you please say you did something else? Anything else?”

"Nope. Kurt looks ridiculously hot in the mechanics outfit and I want to see him on the big screen fucking me on the hood of your car."

"What." Cooper's eyes narrowed and he ground his teeth together.

"You know, when I borrowed your car for the trip to Ohio? We filmed at Kurt's dad's lube and tire shop for that authentic garage feeling." 

Blaine paused for a few seconds. "Oh my god, I'm kidding. You should see your face. Yes, we'll go on the show and say how much we loved it and love each other. Love Connection changed my life. We went on a normal, boring date for our anniversary. Blah, blah, blah.”

Cooper laughed. "It's The *New* Love Connection and I'd kick your ass if you defiled my car."

"I wouldn't dream of it,” Blaine said with a smile.

Cooper may consider Blaine and Kurt having sex on the hood of his car as defiling it, but Blaine sure hadn’t.

THE END!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

And now for the bonus porn. I wrote the video Kurt and Blaine filmed, but it didn't fit in the flow of the story. So I'm including it as a bonus. I've been to HUMP a few times. The movie with the FLDS was one I saw the first time I went and I couldn’t find a link for it. :( The one I wrote for Brittany and Santana is the kind of thing they’s show and so is the one for Kurt and Blaine.

Deluxe Lube Job

Kurt stood in the garage, jeans hanging off his hips and no shirt. A small smudge of grease decorated his cheek. He polished a wrench with a cloth, sliding his hand up and down the shaft in a suggestive manner.

Blaine pulled into the garage in Cooper's bright red Corvette.

Kurt oohed at the car and his smile got bigger when Blaine stepped out wearing his workout clothes - a tight black tank top and tiny green shorts.

“What’s going on?” Kurt asked.

“On my way home from the gym, the engine started grinding. I'm not getting enough thrust from the pistons.” Blaine leaned into the car and popped the hood. He stretched over the engine, pointing to a doohickey while sticking his ass out. "I think it's this right here."

"That's the battery connecter. That won't grind."

"Oh, um...maybe this?" Blaine stretched again and indicated another part.

"That won't grind either. Why don't you let me take a look."

Kurt leaned over, his muscles stretching and the jeans showing off his fantastic ass.

Blaine stared at Kurt's ass.

Kurt did a few random things, Blaine had no idea if he was actually doing something or fiddling for the sake of the movie.

"You need a lube job," Kurt said, his head still under the hood.

Blaine ran a hand up his neck and bit his lower lip. "Sure, anything you say."

Kurt stood up and Blaine immediately dropped his hands and forced his expression into a neutral one. Kurt stepped off screen and returned with an assortment of tools and two bottles, and began working on the car.

Blaine closed his eyes and moaned.

“What'd you say?" Kurt asked.

"Nothing!" Blaine said quickly.

A few more moments passed with Blaine staring at Kurt and trying not to get caught ogling him.

Kurt stood up and slammed the hood shut. "All done, here's your bill."

Blaine's face fell.

"Is there a problem?" Kurt asked.

"Aren't you going to fuck me?" Blaine demanded.

“What.” Kurt said flatly.

A blush stained Blaine's face and crept down his neck. "My friend says he comes in here to get his car fixed and then you fuck him over the hood."

Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why didn’t you say so? That’s the Deluxe Lube Job, not the regular one." He gestured to a sign that read

Lube Job - Get all your fluid levels checked!  
Deluxe Lube Job - Get all your fluid levels a checked and get fucked over the hood of the car!

"Then I want the deluxe lube job."

"Lucky me," Kurt said. He moved closer to Blaine and grabbed the bottom of the tank top and yanked it off over his head.

Blaine turned and lay over the hood of the car, his arms over his head and his palms flat on the shiny red metal.

Kurt pulled down Blaine's shorts and let them fall around his ankles. "I need my tools." He reached off screen and pulled out a large bottle labeled "deluxe lube" and a giant box of condoms.

Blaine glanced over his shoulders and licked his lips.

Kurt lubed up Blaine’s ass and rolled on a condom. He grabbed Blaine’s ass and spread him open, staring at Blaine’s twitching hole before guiding his dick inside. Kurt fucked Blaine hard and fast, both of them moaning. Blaine hadn’t been able to do anything but take it, his fingers curling into fists against the slick metal.

A few more thrusts and Kurt came, biting Blaine’s neck. He grabbed Blaine’s hips, pulling him back so he could stroke Blaine off.

Blaine came in creamy spurts on the hood. They panted for a moment. Kurt stood up and pulled out. Blaine pushed himself off the car.

“Uh oh. Now I need my car detailed,” Blaine said, hands on his hips and dick twitching, looking at the come on the hood.

“Ricky’s next door can take care of it. Just make sure you read the sign before you ask for the deluxe detailing,” Kurt said with a smile.

Fade to black and roll credits.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed! Reviews and kudos make my day.


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